The Lost Art of the Anonymous Sale- 10 Questions You Get Asked At Checkout

Recently, my husband needed a new pair of simple khaki chino shorts. Usually, I buy things like that online, but this time he needed them ASAP, so I had to schlep it to Old Navy, errr….that store famous for flag shirts.  Let me preface this by saying I am not a shopper. I dread it. I am blessed in the fact I can pretty much wardrobe  the entire family all from the same online store, and I embrace that wholeheartedly. So when I have to hit a brick and mortar, a little anxiety kicks in. I am way too accustomed to simply clicking add to cart, proceed to check out, then calling it a day. It’s also no surprise this may be why I possess such a great relationship with my UPS man. (You are soooo getting some killer Christmas cookies from me this year ‘Brown.’) And speaking of Christmas, ’tis almost the season for big time shopping, which (GASP!) may actually require me to leave my snuggly checkout line - otherwise known as my couch. 

Meanwhile, back at that big box store with the creepy yet super realistic mannequins, my chino shorts in hand, I head to the checkout. And then it begins- the retail transaction 20 questions. Here are the answers I truly gave, followed by the answers I honestly wanted to give. (Alright, it’s only 10, but it feels like 20).

1.    “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
       “Yes, thank you”

No, not really. And can I please say stop making the tissue paper weight itty bitty shirts? Just stop. I don’t want to layer. I live in Florida. Paired with everything low-rise, you would need a size XXXL shirt, and you would need four of them to cover up your tummy.  And enough with the bazillion toys lining the entire check out counter. Stick to jeans. You hear that kid behind me crying for a motorized lollipop? Yep. Me too. Jeans. Just. Jeans.

2.  “Your zip code?”
     “No thank you.”

Can’t we just assume I live close by? I mean, I didn’t wake up today in Miami and decide it would be super fun and economical to road trip 400 miles for khaki shorts.

3. “Email address?”
    “No thank you”
    “But we send you great coupons!”
    “No thank you.”
   “Are you sure? You could save 10% on your next purchase!”

Yes, I could save 10% on my next purchase, but after I drive here, the 10% is lost in gas. And have I mentioned I have four email accounts? And by golly, I was just thinking I honestly do NOT have ENOUGH unsolicited email in my life. Yes, by all means, please add all four of my email addresses.  I cannot wait to fish through all the 10% coupons you plan on sending me three tat an average of three times a day. Yay- email!

4. “Would you like to apply for a store credit card? You could save 10% on your purchase today”
    “No thank you”
    “It only takes a minute, and if you are approved you could save $3 on those shorts, and you                   get exclusive coupons in the mail.”

Ok, can we talk for a sec? Do you watch the news? Are you aware of the economy we live in? Do you want me to explain interest and revolving credit lines? Because these $20 pair of shorts have the potential of costing $900 to someone who you will  sucker into getting a store card. And seriously, more freakin’ coupons?

5. “There is a shirt that matches those shorts you are buying. Did you see it?”
    “Yes, thank you. Just the shorts please.”

Ahhhh the up sell. I was waiting for it. Hey, why don’t I go over and find that shirt. Then, while I’m gone, you can enter my four email addresses and do the paperwork for my new store credit card, and then add up all my coupons. I’m sure the five people in line behind me (especially the mom of the kid having a tantrum over a motorized lollipop) won’t mind a bit. Go for it.

6. “Would you like to donate $1 to (insert any charity here)?
    “No thank you.” 
     “But it’s for kids!”
     “No thank you.” 

I’m not heartless. I swear. And I love kids. I have four.  But I have many charities that I currently support that are close to my heart, and directly impact my immediate family. I am also a PR blogging partner for St Jude Children’s Hospital. Why I feel the need to explain all this to you I have no idea, but you shot me that ‘you cheap ungiving lady’ look when you asked me to donate and I replied "No." I promise, I'm not a cheap ungiving lady.

7. “Will that be all for you today?”
     “Yes, that’s all.”

OH. MY. GAAAWD. For the love of all things denim, I swear on your 145 pairs of yoga pants that I didn’t just get up here and then realize I wanted three more things. I can promise you, amidst the sea of ridiculous questions, my mind did not drift back to that little black dress, and the desire to suddenly realize that yes, I do in fact want it, and can I go get it and then head to the back of the line, only to start back at question #1! 

8. “Will this be credit or debit?”
    “Ok, you can swipe now. Then it will ask you for your email, if you want cash back, and if the            amount is correct.”

Dear technology nerds- please, please, please somebody develop a uniform one swipe, one click, or one fingerprint way to pay for anything and everything. I’m ready to be Jane Jetson. So. Damn. Ready. 

9. “Would you like your receipt emailed to you?”
    “See #3. I mean, uh, no thank you.”

I'm almost done, I'm almost done, I'm almost done.....

10. “Receipt in bag ok?”
       “Yes, thank you.”

If I could, I would like it folded in thirds, wrapped in pink tulle, spritzed with Armani cologne, and sent overnight to my house, all by 10 a.m. My friend ‘Brown’ can deliver it. Or wear it. Whichever.

“Have a nice day and thank you for shopping today. Please take the quick survey on the bottom of this receipt, for a coupon to save 10% on your next visit.”
“Thank you."

Yup. Then the survey. And people wonder how Amazon got so successful. Back to my couch.....

1 comment:

Chris Dean said...

I love you for writing this. That is all.