Back to School Pictures I Won't Be Taking

I spotted this on Pinterest today. Very bad idea to type in “back to school” in the search box. Very. Bad. Idea. I am more and more becoming that WTF!? mother. Four boys, and over 13 years of first days of school will do that to you. Yes, it’s absolutely adorable, and yes, I would actually like to snap some of those scenes, and yes, I am sure many mothers can and will complete this list.  And it will be awesome and memorable, and be stuck in the pages of a photo album (or in my case, on the cameras memory card) until I rediscover them a decade from now.  But whatever,  you go snap those pics supermom. You. Friggin. GO. Me? This is how I will handle the list.

School supply shopping

No way in HELL I take the kids with me anymore. It’s me gripping my $5 latte, shuffling around the Wal-Mart at 11 p.m. at night, tossing whatever the hell color folder I LIKE into the cart, and I am all ALONE. It’s awesome.

Lunches and backpacks by the door

WHAT? Uh, NO. Sorry, they are already in the trunk. Buh-BYE kids. 

School Lunches

If between the time they are packed and thrown in the trunk I have time to take a picture, well, you have permission to unfriend me.

Child’s name in their own handwriting

Know what? I’m good. I had enough years of my kid’s names in black sharpie on the furniture, the walls, the floors, their arms, their brother’s arms, my arms. I wouldn't know how to handle it written on actual paper.

Child holding lunchbox and wearing backpack

Yep. If they wanna jump in the trunk for a picture, that’s fine.

Number of their grade

Like I know. What year is it?

With mom/dad/siblings

First of all, I haven't  been in a picture since 1998, when first kid was in my belly. Secondly, getting them to all stand together, yea, that’s funny-unless dad was in picture, with a Darth Vader death grip on all of them, well, then maybe that could happen. But I doubt it.

In front of school

Ummm, just dropping off in the car lane. Guilt. Free. 

In the classroom

NO. Just no! I know their teachers. Trust me, they don’t want a bunch of giddy parents in there trying to capture a magazine cover quality shot of their kid sitting at their school desk. 

With the new teacher

See above. Plus, deep down teacher is mentally counting days until Christmas vacation. 

With friends

Hurry up, jump out of the car, and go stand next to another kid your size.  Say cheese!

In front of the school sign

I got this. Right after I drop you off, I am gonna do a slow drive by and get a shot. No worries. Will photoshop you in later.

School Bus

We don’t ride one, but if we did, the picture would be of me giving the driver a pitcher of mimosas to knock back after drop off and before pick up.

Walking into classroom or to bus

Ok, ok, ok. This one I will sort of do my way. Not walking, but in the car.  I will take a group shot  of all of you crying in the backseat on the first day. Then another of me, looking in the rearview mirror, with a smile so big I will have to use panoramic feature on my iPhone. Done. 

Here is mom's first day of school picture-


Anonymous said...

I think we might be in a kindred spirit kinda way!!

Chris Dean said...

Your list? My kind of Super Mom way of doing this thank!

GibbyMac said...

Funny and my way too! When you said the darth vader grip on the boys for the photo, it reminded me on that one photo where you have a darth grip on one of the boys. You have to post that picture!!

Cali Family said...

I saw this list on Pinterest yesterday too, and I thought the same exact thing. No Way! I only have two boys, but I am right there with you!

Julie Workman said...

Awesome. I have 3 boys, and I really, REALLY get it. If I'm lucky, I might snap a single shot of them out front, but it's much more likely that I will be banshee-screaming at them to 'get-your-butts-in-the-damn-car-do-you-want-to-be-late-the-first-day-oh-my-GAWD-can-you-please-get-the-lead-out!

Kristi Wolff said...

Holy cow - I just about lost my ice cream when I read this! I have managed to get a picture of my kids almost every year on the first day of school in the same spot. It gets harder when you are raising his/hers/ours kiddos AND a couple of them are in athletics before the sun is even up. So to those mommas who are able to do all this - great job! I salute you!

Anonymous said...

You sound like a bitch who should have never had kids.

Ellie C said...

Oh my gosh, Melissa -!!!! When did everything become so over-the-top? That list is just...excessive. As you get across hilariously. ;)

Shannon aka Dear Ann Abler said...

Mom's back to school pic FTW!
You deserve a spa day for each kid, in my humble expert opinion. :)

Jen Gray said...

So so so glad I came across this blog. I have one in high school, one in middle and one in elementary and I am EXHAUSTED. I also have a full time job and a husband who works sometimes weeks out of town at a time. Did I mention the oldest kid is 17, 17...I want to choke him out more now than I EVER have. Teenagers SUCK. The youngest..only shoes, bag, socks, pants, shirt, OMG you name it doesn't match...EVERY. FREAKING. MORNING. Just stop w/ the momshaming, I don't feel one bit guilty for snapping a quick pic for instagram and going about our way. (P.S. I'm sad school has started back ONLY because now we have homework.) Love your blog!